So I need to write, write away The sadness pangs, pangs inside How deep do they go? I cannot tell I feel like a black hole, covered By a young woman's shell. Human interaction with the same ones Over years with joy is now broken How can it be that these memories Can cause such a black hole when rifts In the interactions happen? So now I will write, write away The anger, sadness, confusion And try to hold, hold them at bay From being sucked into the black hole And enlarging its mouth, mouth in my heart. When will it start? When will it start? The healing of darkness, darkness in my heart? No laughter can draw the darkness away No hug or hand squeeze, for they're all memories That sink the black hole deeper, deeper in me. The only physical thing you can see, Evidence of the black hole, hole in me Are my tears, the tears upon remembering The fear, sadness, confusion and pain From loved ones who abandonned me, From loved ones who neglected me... From loved ones who walked away from me... From loved ones who did not think of me But of the goal, the goals, instead of their Stephanie. Yes I returned, felt I could not go ahead Without my beloved man you see. I knew I could not stay sane in that land Unsafe and touched by unwanted hands. I could not live the dream I dreamed I could not share the message I believed Only one heard my tears and knew I needed to return or I'd be unglued From sanity, from reality, and I returned A broken woman, full of fear and nightmares Panic attacks, I could not speak, I needed time But not so much time. He was the only one who saw and understood He was the only one who hugged me close And wiped the tears, and said "It's okay... You'll feel better another day". The pain is good, you've suffered well Said the others, and this didn't help. Why did you return? Why didn't you stay? See all the money we've given away So you could go and share the message Of God's saving grace. Yes I know that many have suffered To bring His good news to foreign lands But how am I to share when my brain is stopped By fear and lonliness, insanity? Unsafety. Believe me, I prayed, I prayed everyday For strength to learn to communicate His message to all through my loving ways Yet something wasn't right, no one was there To support me as I needed, to support me And I spoke, as to a friend, to my camera For she was my only true company. I need to write, write away The pangs of fear and loss, loss, loss I am lost in the past and all have moved ahead. So I need to write, write away And cannot write to any who will understand How deep the black hole goes. How deep the black hole goes. Forgive me if I write in spite, write in spite But I need to write, need to write Of my memories and bring them to light Then maybe you may understand Why I returned and curtailed the plan. Perhaps there will be some things I say that may seem silly and Non traumatizing. It only goes to show That I am a poor gal, poor gal Who lives off the strength of her Creator Made in weakness but made strong in weakness So I will no longer say that these memories Are trifle. He showed me that I cannot survive Without Him and human interaction For this is how He created me. So do not ask anyone To do as I did. For now there is a black hole Deep inside of me. | 